Ron's Info-Closet Annex

A couple of days ago I picked up a bottle of lube ("for topical cosmetic use only", it says here) at my local Love Fubar store. There was a big rack of lube and I was only interested in the ingredients and the price, as this kind of lube is a commodity item. (James "Kibo" Parry used to buy it in huge vats for his own odd purposes, and once brought a huge plastic bagful that he had coloured green to one of our post-Christmas Mathom Parties in Boston.) I therefore did not look closely at the label on the front, and when I got it home, discovered it had a creepy label (see photo).

The label reads "ID Millennium" and bears a white thumbprint above the brand name on the faux holographic label. Being paranoid, my immediate reaction was to fear that the emerging world security state was attempting to soften up the populace with operant conditioning, using the positive reinforcement of sex to make people complacent about biometrics.

A little thought suggests that in order for this campaign to have much effect, a significant proportion of the population would have to be buying and using this brand of lube. It's far more likely that the CEO of this company thought that a logo featuring biometrics would seem futuristic in a sexy rather than a repulsive way (as it seems to me). My wife Marty says, "Porn products have the worst marketing. We've all read the Adam & Eve catalog -- and despaired. You have to imagine Tom Carvel saying in a gravelly voice, 'It's like The Matrix! The kids will love it!'"

Remember, the brand that is probably the market leader in this niche is called "AstroGlide", another pathetic attempt to sound futuristic that actually reminds me of Sputnik and poor Laika. Thus, ID Millennium -- it's, like, so three years ago.